He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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