I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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