Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
