Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
