Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
