I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.