I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery