U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
