A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
