she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
