Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
