I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i dont even know how to be here
it's like heaven, but drunker
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
