i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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