My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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