i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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