I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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