Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Small penises have feelings too.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Randomize
