Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
