I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
