are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.