Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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