I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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