i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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