I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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