My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
