listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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