The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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