Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
