A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
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My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
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You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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