WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
