No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
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but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
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View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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