I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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