Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
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