I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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