U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
