FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
