Whod you bang
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
