If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
