I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
zippers are such a cool invention
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
