I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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