I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
