I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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