he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
