What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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