Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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