Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
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