I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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