Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
