Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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