im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
