6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
