I cannot find my penis.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
