she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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