apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
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This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
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Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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