I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so let's talk penis.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
