All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
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I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
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If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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