yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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