Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
