tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
