either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
